Episode 25

Funeral And The Pain

“I’m sorry but we couldn’t save him.”

That’s all I heard the doctors saying I slid down the wall with tears streaking down my cheeks like a fountain of water.It was only this morning that we were teasing each other in my room and then Zee told us what’s troubling her and just before he got in the car he kissed my cheek and tolde I love you.He even told me when he comes back again we going to have the wedding but there is no need for a wedding because he is no more with us.

I never saw it coming,it was something that just hit me,just like that before I knew it.It came to me,tapped my shoulder and boom.There it was,there in all its glory.It greeted me with such a cold shoulder,left shivers down my spine.I never felt such a harsh breeze in my life as it slowly crept in to my mind,I could hear it’s footsteps,I could feel it’s strength weighing my heart down.I smiled for a minute,just as I realized who it was and why it had come to me.I sighed and welcomed it in to my life,it came for a reason.It wasn’t a human being,it was an emotion and his name was pain

Just then I looked around the waiting room and I saw Mikes parents and siblings devastated and crying profusely and I think this is the first time I’ve seen Uncle Nazir cry.Mike was his golden boy and he was very proud of him.Mike was spoilt by his father a lot but he didn’t take advantage of it,he wasn’t those bratty spoiled guys and nor was he arrogant and I guess thats what made him for who he was.The money he used to spent it on the poor men and women and children.He would feed the women and children and gave the men jobs so they could earn and look after their family.Those that stayed on the street he helped them look for houses.He would visit the orphanages and the old age homes and cry saying”that how can children put there parents in such a home where they can feel no warmth and love or those children have no parents to look up to.”He had a very big heart,that’s why I loved him.I didn’t love him because he was rich,handsome,his career was booming or how his body looked that was all part of him but why I fell in love with him was because of all the little things he did or his qualities that made him what he was today.I cannot believe it,he is still alive I know it but I also knew I was in denial too.This morning he was so happy and told me I want like 8 children and I looked at him and said 8.I just wish I could do something to bring him back.Maybe if I didn’t let him go he would be alive at this moment but I can’t go back and I can’t do it and that’s what I regret.My love story is an incomplete one,I envy the one whose love story is complete.

His parents went to sign the papers to release him from hospital and I think mum went to phone Bilaal and Nazir and everyone.I hated times like these people always look at you with pity and whisper behind your backs about how she won’t get married now etc they think we don’t know they talking about us but we know.After that dad drove us home and they were taking Mike to perform ghusl,when we reached home I raced up the stairs to my room and opened my closet and took out the only cloak I owned.I never wore cloak, I didn’t wear scarf nor did I do anything Islamic.I went in to the shower,dressed put on a scarf and a pump.I went downstairs and I saw the change in my family,we looked on the outside as a pious islamicly inclined Muslim but we were not.Maybe that’s why Mike died.We left the house and went to Mikes SA house.We entered and went to sit in the lounge where the body is going to be.I picked up a Yaseen and started reading it,its been along time since I read it,the last was when I was in madrassa.After few minutes they brought the body and placed it down.Mikes head was next to me and his Aunty opened his face and a fresh set of tears rolled down my cheeks.He looks so peaceful,so handsome and the scars of the accident marred his face.They only took his body at about 10 p.m because his family is scattered every where and they were waiting for Nazir and Nazira.His face was still open I looked at him and remembered the times he had this glint in his eyes when he was thinking of doing something mischevious or the time when he smirked,winked and flirted with me,or his laugh it was contagious or the half smile or the sneaking up on me thing.Everything about him was unique,I looked at his facw memorising it and just then the men came in to pick up his body and take it.And I saw him for the last time,he was just there.I didn’t ever think this would be the last time I ever see his face,or hear his voice for the final time.He was just like me yesterday and one day I will become just like him.He layer there looking ever so peaceful,Death got to him and I don’t know why I was shocked,because death will greet me,and it will greet you too.That’s the only things that’s promised in this life,and damn this was the biggest reminder of all

After the men left all the Aunties old and young came to greet me and everyone in his family.They all told me the pain will pass quickly and I’ll get someone else.They don’t know the pain I’m going through,the way I feel because he was my first and last love and my first in my everything.All those Aunties looked at me with pity in there eyes.I could not take it so I escaped to the one bedroom that smelt like him.I entered his room and layer on his bed with my nose buried in his pillow and cried and cried and cried,my tears seeping in to his pillow.Why did he leave me?did he not care?did he not love me?just then the door opened and I felt someone rub my  back till I calmed down and when I turn to look who it was,it was my madrassa APA when I was in madz still, Apa Rubina Saloojee.

Suni:Slmz apa …its been a long time since I’ve seen you!!

Apa:Jee it is Sunaina,you don’t even come visit me anymore.I still remember how you and Owais use to play pranks on the other..The good times!!Now tell me what’s troubling you?(wiping my tears)

Suni:Why me of all people?When I close my eyes all I see is him?when I think of him all that I think of him are now memories!My mind is like a torture chamber,asking me all these stupid questions like why me?did he not love me?did he not care?

Apa:There will be a day when y wake up and you will free yourself from the shackles which are attached to your heart.You will finally breath again,not for the one you love but for yourself.You will survive this turture chamber in your mind,you will live again.There will be a day where you will no longer drown in your own thoughts,there will be a day where you will no longer be scared of the dark every night and the monsters that greet you every night,will be the same monsters who will die every night. You will live again,this time with the one who created you,not his creation.(she smiles and stands up)now wipe your tears and come downstairs.

With that she left.I thought of what she said and maybe she’s right maybe this pain would leave eventually.I stood up and left the room but it took me awhile to understand,to understand what pain actually was,everyone said pain is inflicted when you’ve hurt yourself,physically. But confusion arose from my heart,I felt a pain I had never felt before.Some called it heart burn and some called it heart break,it wasn’t a physical pain as such. But it was unbearable,it was the pain of losing the one I love,it was such a pain that still allowed me to walk,talk and eat sometimes.But it was a pain that was constantly there.It wasn’t skinned knees and bruises anymore,it was pain that I felt right in my heart,right in the core.It was pain I had never experienced before.

As I went into the kitchen I saw Nani standing there and when she saw me,she rushed towards me and hugged me and started crying in which it made me cry

Suni:Nani we were so happy,we didn’t know this was going to happen!(crying profusely)

Nani:I know Suni your mother told me but stay strong for yourself,stay strong for the one who created you,because Allah will never burden a soul beyond it can bear

Just then I heard footsteps behind me,I turned around and saw Nana standing there,I hugged him and started sobbing a lot

Nana:Nani is right you know,and when you think your entire world is falling apart and you have nobody,remember Allah is with you,even when the entire world has left you.The one who created you will always be there,even if you walk away from the one who created you,he will never walk away from you.He will always be waiting for you to walk on that path back to him(he wipes my tears and kisses my for head and leaves)

We stay there till 1 and then leave for home,the pain had numbed me I don’t feel anything.When we reach home I rush out so I can go into my room but am stopped by Nadir

Suni:What do you want?(eyebrow raised)

Nazir:There will come a day where you will laugh over the things you once cried over and when that day comes,you will beable to breathe again.The pain you feel,will disappear and all that will reappear is tears of happiness(smile)

Bilaal:Thats true Suni,Mika’eel would not want you to grieve like this,he would want you to move on,you know that

Suni:You already moved on,you calling him Mika’eel instead of Mike (I hiss)you can move on because you weren’t in love with him.He was my fiance and the love of my life(I scream)

Everyone just looks at me as I vent out my anger on Bilaal.I quickly rush to my room brush my teeth,change into my PJs and climb into bed and when I can’t sleep I take out my diary and write

Dear Diary

People change,not because they want to.But because they have destroyed them self’s so much that they have no choice but to change.They have no option but to recreate themselfs as somebody they never wanted to become.They changed because there experiences forced them to,it isn’t a pretty change,nor is it a change that they welcomed.Its a bitter change called reality,only for them to learn that some experiences will turn you in to the monster you’ve become today

I miss you Mike

Till tomorrow

I put my diary on the table next to me and went to sleep with one thought in my head and that is remembering you is easy,I do it everyday.But missing you is a heartache that never goes away

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P.S In the above post it says she was sitting in the room the mayyit was in but that is  not correct because if its a na mahram male you cannot sit in the room.But as she was modern she did it.

Tell me what you think of the above post

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