Episode 28

Youth Programme

I made a firm intention in becoming a Muslim not only by name but by actions too I decided to go.I stood up from the bench I was sitting at and I walked towards my house when I saw a guy and girl by the swings.The guy was pushing the girl on the swings and the girl was laughing away as she went into the air with her hair flying.The Friendship they shared was the one Mike and I shared before we started dating.We use to come to this very park and I would run towards the swings*laughing*.I was and still am very child like,and its even better and nicer when someone pushes you be because you don’t have to exert any effort*smirking*ok fine I was lazy so I would make Mike my slave.*Smile*I remembered those days like it was just yesterday*sigh*.That chapter of my life is over,now I’m starting a new chapter in my book but to tell you the truth memories destroy us,they the only things that remain when we decide to move forward.I walk past the cute couple and head home but on my way home I decided to visit my Apa,actually it will be a surprise visit.So I changed directions and went there.On my way I see the guy selling Ice cream and all the kids are gathered around him with there parents,happy.My parents would take me out every Sunday when I was smaller to the park and I would buy ice cream.I remembered the one day

{Flashback}

That Sunday morning my mummy came to wake me up and I was so tired I told her to stop troubling me,even as a 6 year old I lovvved my sleep*lol*.So she told me then today we not going to the park.I quickly threw the covers off me and rushed to the bathroom

Suni:*screams*Mummmy!!Quickly bring my clothes,I want to go to the park..(mummy walks into the bathroom and laughs)
Mummy its not funny*crying*you said if I don’t get up we not going but I want to be pretty maybe I’ll get a boyfriend like Nazira mummy.She’s so pretty and I want to be pretty like her*wiping tears*.When I get big mummy I’m going to be soooo pretty that all the boys will like me

Mummy:*laughs*But didn’t you say honey that boys have cooties?*smiling*And you pretty also more prettier than Nazira*kisses my forehead*shhh don’t tell her that I said that ok honey?

Suni:Aww mummy I wanted to tell her you said because then I can make her jealous!!!*giggles*

Mummy:*Laughs*Sorry!!(even though she knew I was going to tell Nazira that’s)Come let’s go show Daddy how pretty his princess looks*smiles*

I giggle and skip downstairs to daddy and when I spot him

Suni:*Screams*Dadddddy!!!(I run and hug her)See how pretty I am( I turn to a 14 year old Nazira)Nazzu Mummy said I look prettier than you*I pull out my tongue and giggle*

Nazira:*she pulls tongue at me*I’m jealous!!

Daddy just laughs and went back to his newspaper so I started pulling his Shirt and he smiled at me got up and called mummy And we left for the park.When we reached the park I ran to the swings and told my daddy to make quickly because he must push me.I spent an entire day on the swing with my daddy pushing me and mummy sitting on the picnic blanky.As we started walking to wards the beautiful flowers I ran ahead to my favourite part.The walk way had a hearts made of flowers over my head.After that we decided to go home when I saw the ice cream man.Daddy and I walked towards him

Daddy:What would you like to have Princess?

Suni: hmmm I wants that one(pointing towards it)

Daddy:(to the man)I will take three magnum peppermint?

Daddy payed the man and we left,I was skipping home as usual when ever we left the park sucking my ice cream when a car came speeding down and hit me.

{End of flashback}

I smile remembering those days.I reached APAs house and rang the bell and I waited till someone asked who it was and I told them.When the door opened Uwais was standing there

Uwais:So what brings you here today?*eyebrows raised*

Suni:To come play marbles*sarcastic*.I came to see my Apa who by the way lives in this house and is your sister or did you forget?*Smirk*

Just then I heard Apa asking Uwais who was here and came to the door and when she looked at me she was surprised

Apa:What brings you here today Suni?(I see she’s dressed to go somewhere)

Suni:*Looking down*I came to visit but its ok if you going out(Uwais walks away from here)

Apa:*Laughing*Nonsense you can come with me you know,by the way are you shy of Uwais?Come in!!(I walk inside and she closes the door)so how are you Suni after Mike?

Suni:I’m okay I think I’m numb to the pain I feel..Sometimes I just want to tell people how I feel..Friends,family,Aquintances and strangers

Apa:I figured as much but I don’t know how to take away your pain(she said just as we entered her room and I went to sit on her bed)but I can give you advise.Do not tell everyone your story.Not everyone can rescue you from drowning.Some people will push you further into the water,pretending to care as they sit back and watch you gasp for air.Look who you befriend,they maybe be nice to your face but behind your back they stab you

Suni: Jazkilla for the advise Apa,by the way where are we going?

Apa:we are going(going into the closet and comes out minutes later with a stunning Hanayan cloak and scark with pumps)to the youth programme so you will be wearing this*laughs*

She gives me the clothes and I went to change.When I came out I  felt like a totally different person as I was going back to her room I bumper into Aunty Salma.She hugged me and told me she misses me

Suni:I miss you too Aunty Salma*air kisses*

Aunty Salma:*frowns*You know I don’t like those air kisses*laughs*you never changed one bit and I would not have want you to change.(she looks at me from head to toe and back again)Wow subhanalla you look beautiful..May Allah always keep you beautiful and smiling and happy ..Ameen

Suni:*laughs*You know I like to annoy you Aunty Salma…I like who I am so why must I change…Ameen ..jazkillah so much for the Duas

Aunty Salma:*smiles*You know something Sunaina today you are different you got a different aura surrounding you.I know that you thinking of changing your life but remember one thing when we repair our relationship with Allah,He repairs everything else for us

Just then APA came towards us and told me we have to go,so Aunty Salma said ok but I have to come back for supper so I promised her I would.Uwais was the one to drop us of at the hall where the youth programme was taking place.When we went inside Apa deserted me and then I realized she was part of this Youth programme coz she was the M.C.So I listened to Naats Qiraat and lemme tell you that play was awesome,but sad.Now was a short break when Apa came to me

Apa:Are you enjoying it Suni?

Suni:Jee I am APA

Apa:Suni I want you to speak today give the youth inspiration please

Suni:Apa I never spoke in front of a large crowd before

Apa:You will manage..There’s a first for everything

Apa walked away and I sat in my place waiting for the second half.There was another nasheed,Question air,hadith and then me.So as nervous as I was I walked out and sat on the stage.I greeted everyone and they replied

Suni:I hope everyone is enjoying the programme *laughs* Sorry guys but I never did this before so I’m hellava nervous*audience laughs*You must be wondering why I’m here,I’m here for the same reason you are that is to learn how to deal as a youth concerning different aspects in life but I won’t be telling you any of those things.Today I will tell you my life story…

Allah sometimes afflicts us with a calamity so devastating,that we just can’t understand why it happened to us.We start to wonder if its a punishment for something we did or because he is angry with us,But the key to dealing with such an event is to realize that there is no clear answer in this world.What matters is to know that it is a test administered by Allah and he can only burden us as much as we can handle.It is our choice whether we want to take it as a chance to get closer to him or to go astray.I was just a liitle girl like many of your brothers and sisters and I had a friend who was a guy, it was innocent to most people around us because at that age we think boys have cooties but to me no I didn’t think they had cooties, I once told my mummy when I was six that I wanted a boyfriend and that’s where our family friends son Mika’eel Mohammed came in or as we all call him Mike.We the best of friends and just like that over the years our friendship turned into much more,a relationship.It was Haraam but to me it wasn’t.I went madrassa but I was never brought up in a Islamic environment.So I didn’t have anyone telling me what was wrong and right beside my maternal and paternal grandparents but me being me told them that’s its freedom.Today I realize that freedom was Jahannam because the worst sin I got involved in was Zina.I forgot Allah was watching my every move, I forgot Shaytaan was the third person with us and I forgot that what I was doing was Haraam.One day they moved to New York,I was heartbroken so I because ice een of my school.When he came back we faced problems but we got over it and then one day he left this world forever and that’s when my eyes opened up to actually realize that I’m doing so much of sin but I don’t know if I am going to live for the next minute or second.That’s when I decided to change.Take a leap of faith.Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.Tip toe if you must but take the step.Everybody has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were,some towards bad and some towards good.Lucky I changed for the better not the worst.Along time ago I read something once that “Do not let your difficulties fill you with anxiety. after all,it is only in the darkest nights,That the stars shine more brilliantly.”-Ali(Radiallahu anhu).I was a person that was after the materialistic things in this world,it was like Janna but  is Janna in this world better than the Janna of the hereafter, it said in Bukharin that “In janna are things an eye has never seen ,an ear has never heard,and a mind that can’t even imagine.”Inshallah we all meet in Janna and Allah grant us the highest stages in janna Ameen…Hope that at least something I said benefited you in some way.Asalamualikum

I walked of the stage and went to sit back in my place when they called the guest speaker Sister Rehana Omar to make Duas but before she started

Sister Rayhana:Never give up on making Duas to Allah.It may not happen now,it may not happen next month but it will happen when Allah knows is best for you…

Oh Allah ease our hardships,mend our broken hearts,heal our ailments and increase our love for you..
Ameen

The programme was finished and Owais came to pick us up and I had supper there which was delicious and then they dropped me home and when I entered it seemed as if everyone was asleep so I went to my room brushed my teeth dressed in PJs got into bed and opened my diary and wrote

Dear Diary

I couldn’t have asked for a better person to walk into my life than you…You may have left this world but I have a small place in my heart just for you but now I’m trying to move on and in the halaal way and in the right direction too..You will always be remembered Mike..

Love ya

I closed the diary and placed it besides me and off’d my lamp and went to sleep peacefully since the night Mike passed away…

Parks heart tunnel

Episode 27

Its Time To Think “Am I Ready For Change.”

After Uwais left i thought of Mike,in a way Owais and Mike were just the same but also in a way not the same.Mike had come from a modern family and Owais from the holy pious type family,his father goes jamaat and sometimes he goes.i think sometimes.His mothers a Aalima Madrassa APA and APA Rubina is Maktab APA,his eldest sister Zahra had gotten married when she was 18 to a guy from cape town,and his brother Shiraz had became a Mufti and married his Ml’s daughter and then it was Owais who while doing school he completed his hifz and after Matric went to do Aalim,then is his little Sister Rukayyah whose 3 years old and lets say came very late after Owais because Uwais was 18 when she was born and his 21 now and in his third year of Aalim.I hardly see Owais since he left for Darul Uloom.He was like my second best friend but since he went to do Aalim he never looks me in the eye when i speak to him.He also tells me that just speaking to any Na mahram female is Zina.As time went on from full conversations we went to only greeting asking the how you question and thats it,But i dont think he realized he had hugged me right at that moment.

Mike and Owais use to get along very well but they use to compete with each other for my attention and i had sat them down and explained to them that they had my equal attention.He really made me think that all this time ive been not on this straight path,ive left it along time ago.I dont know when was the last time i read salah,when was the last time i opened the Quraan and read it to find peace which is only found with Allah,but the worst of things i ever did was i didnt lift my hands to Allah and beg of him rather i begged for material things from human,from his creation.In the obediance of the creation,i disobeyed Allah.Time after time Human disappoint us and get tired of us,but the creator never disappoints nor does he get tired of us.He says in the Quraan that “Call Unto Me,And I Will Respond To You.”Even in the Hadith it says something to this effect ” walk towards me and i will run towards you.”Sometimes this wealth and modernasm distances you from the creator,and you  lose your object in life.When ever we go through a certain hurdle in our life then we very quickly blame Allah,that he doesn’t love us but when we happy then we don’t show him our gratitude,and when we completely divert ourselves from the ways of Allah then he doesn’t blame us,temptations in this world is our test,a very difficult one at that but he waits for us to turn back to him,he waits for us to see that temptations in this world is only Janna in this world and the Janna of the hereafter is the best.

I forgot about the one that created me but I was enjoying his blessings and favours in my daily life.I forgot he was there watching me when I was completely involved in Zina but I also forgot that Shaytaan is the third party there also.I make a firm intention right at this moment that I would change my life at this moment because noones promised old age,we not even promised if we will live the next minute,second,hour,year,years,decades.

From this day onwards I would like to become a Muslim not only by name but by actions too which will make Allah and Nabi(S.A.W) happy ….

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Maaf for the short post but its been very busy this week…hope you enjoy it..

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Episode 26

A Ghost From The Past And Mourning

The next day I woke up and I looked towards the window where the sun was shining through and I thought if Mike was alive I would have skyped him and spoke to him for like hours on end.I then realized the more I thought of the what ifs the more pain I would feel.Lying in bed was the best with a bowl of popcorn and chocolate and maybe a sappy sad movie like the titanic or walk to remember or fault in our stars.I remember these movies,they sad.It tells us that there are people who will love us even if we not perfect,even if we dying.But I don’t think I will ever love again.I took my diary from next to me and started writing,maybe I can’t express my self to the people around me but I surely can express my self to my diary.

Dear Diary

Nobody knows how much pain I’m in,when it is you who I’m missing.Nobody See’s how I’m desperately suffocating,when it is your breath for which I’m gasping.I was so scared of losing you but now I’ve lost you anyway.In reality when you are gone I’m not scared of losing you,I’m scared of losing my self

Miss you Mike

Love ya

I close my diary and place it on my dressing table and go into the bathroom to shower and get ready.I wear a thin strapped blue flowy dress with an inner inside and sandles and go downstairs.Everyone’s in the kitchen having breakfast,mums breakfast is the best breakfast ever.When I stepped into the kitchen everyone turned to look at me,mum places breakfast in my plate I sit down and eat when dad starts the conversation again

Suni:Dad is Dadi in the same room number at the old age home?

Dad:Yes Suni,but we going over to Nazirs house and it hasn’t been a day since Mike…

Suni:(I interrupt him)Don’t even speak about him(I hiss)I forgot his name the minute they took him from me,Don’t ever use his name in this house..it is forbidden(I look at everyone with a glare)

Mum:You will never forget his name.It will just mean something different to you as time goes on.Before it meant the world but today it means a lesson you learnt and maybe a blessing in disguise(she smiles at me)

Suni:(I scream at her or more like raisemg voice at her)Blessing in disguise?Hm maybe you planned this murdering him so i didn’t have to marry him..I can’t believe you people,you’ll act as if he doesn’t exist but let me tell you something from today he doesn’t exist for me,so don’t talk to me about him(I got up from my chair.and left the kitchen)

I went to fetch my car keys and went to visit my Dadi in the old age home. As I neared it,I thought of how my Dadi and I use to be,all the laughter and smiles and the way she held me when I cried or the way she kissed my cheek when I was hurt or when I didn’t get something from my parents and I use to complain to her and she saw that I got it.But then where did we go wrong,we were a happy ffamily living in one house together even after my Dada passed away due to a heart attack.I just remember one day I had gotten up late and Myself and My friends had made plans to have a swimming pool party when I heard shouting.When I peeped downstairs I saw dad,mum and dadi there arguing.Mum had told Dadi that she’s turning her own children against her,Dadi told her she’s just spoiling us that’s what grandparents do and from then sparks flew or must I say heated words.Dad told Dadi such words that no parents ever wants to hear it from there children.Dad kicked her out of the house and told her she is no longer welcome here,she’s no longer family to us and threw to her an old age home acception letter.When I saw Dadi later on she was in her room.packing her bags and when I had entered Dadi looked up and I saw tears streaking down her cheeks I rushed to her and hugged her and made her feel happy again but little did I know that she was only showing me what I wanted to see but inside she was broken up by someone she trusted with her entire life.That was the last time I hugged and saw her.Dad didn’t even leave her at the old age home,she had to find transport but Yunus took her.We were all devastated and after a while dad forbid us from going to visit and talking of her in this house and we acted like we a happy family.When I got to the reception area I told them who I was here to visit and wasn’t she surprised because for 10 years no one had come to visit my Nani or so I thought.I walked into my Nanis room and saw her sitting on the musalla and crying.So I waited for Her to finish and when she did she turned and looked at me,I saw.her face shining so bright it was amazing

Dadi:Asalualaikum wa rahamtul lahi was barakatuh,how you Suni beti?I can see you worried what’s wrong?(frowns)

And that’s when I burst out crying and tell her everything and that’s when I find out that since Mike came to S.A everyday he use to visit her

Dadi:Do not beat yourself up about it dear you are only human.There will be times where you will feel like you so confused.Like life is dragging you down and you don’t which way to turn.Be patient.That’s Allah’s way of saying,be strong I have something bigger,better coming your way(she hugs me)

I start to think of what Dadi said but it just confuses me more,so I hug and kiss her promising to return again to visit.Sometimes when I see couples complain of each other I think to myself you never know what you have until its gone,and that’s true i didnt realize that when I had Mike I should have treasured him but now that his gone I realize that I lost that opportunity.Its sad how only after his gone do I realize this.I reach home and go to my bedroom and close my door few minutes after my room bursts open with Zee

Zee:Ugh I don’t know what to do I’m frustrated,One side I’m in love with my best friend and on the otherside I’m healing from heart break

I was so tired of people complaining that I lashed out at her

Suni:You so selfish Zee you only think of yourself.Your best friends in love with you too and you complaining,his still ALIVE not DEAD(I scream). Don’t wait until its too late to tell someone how much you love,how much you care.Because when they gone,no matter how loud you shout and cry,they won’t hear you any more

She walks out with tears in her eyes and mumbles an “I’m sorry”.Aaliya then walks in hearing me.say such harsh words

Aaliya:Suni that wasn’t nice of you you know,Everyday its going to get easier until his just a memory I promise you that

Suni:I wish it was so easy but its not.Everyday is a struggle

Aaliya and I chat a little about our memories with Mike and her baba is due any minute now.After a while Bilaal walks into the room and Aaliya excuses her self and leave

Bilaal:Soo what happened this morning?(eyebrow raised)

Suni:Thats none of your business. What I do or say is none of your business because news flash I’m not your slave

Bilaal:You know something Suni I remember you saying something like the minute he was taken away you forgot him but just because you bury some one that doesn’t mean they stop existing you know

And I did the one thing I would never have done

Suni:GET OUT(I hiss)

He was taken aback and quickly left because I was not in the mood for his preaching.Maria our maid came to drop off my lunch for me and told me something I won’t forget

“When someone you love dies,you never quite get over it….You just learn to slowly go on without them..But always keeping them tucked safely with in your heart.”

I will not forget these beautiful words,I will remember it over and over again and then I realized I needed to think of what people are telling me so I went to the park and sat down on one of the benches when someone sat next to me.When I turned to look who it was,I was shocked to see the only and only Uwais.The one who left 7 years ago to do Aalim

Suni:Fancy seeing you here,I thought you would be in duz(Darul uloom Zakariyyah)

Owais:(rolls his eyes)its holidays remember or did you forget?by the way I heard of Mike!!

Suni:im sure you must have(bitter laugh)but you know something my heart is shattered now,I was going to marry him.Imagine that and now his dead and what’s worse is I loved him more than life itself or more than I loved myself and now when his gone I don’t know how to live because I’m only a shadow of myself,I don’t know how to love myself because I only loved him.And now when I need someone to mend this broken heart I can’t find anybody because how will I love somebody again if I can’t love myself and when I don’t have any love left

Uwais:I may not beable to mend your broken heart,but let me tell you of the one who can not only mend it,but also give it life

Suni:Everyone tells me that but why when I’m feeling this pain,he doesn’t lessen it.Why when I tell my story tears come to my eyes?

Uwais:Allah only gives you a burden which you can handle.When you’re tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry,you know you have healed

Suni:People say you don’t know what you’ve had until its gone.Truth is,you knew what you had,you just never thought you’d lose it.I’m getting really tired of losing people.I want to heal,I want to b able to smile again,to live again, but I just want someone to believe in me

Uwais:I believe in you I will always believe in you.Im not gonna lie to you,it isn’t gonna be easy and there’ll be some days when life just sucks

Suni:Thanks for believing in me.I don’t ever want to be alone,nobody likes to be alone

Uwais:(he hugs me)You never going to be alone,you got me

After saying that he gets up and goes away and then I realized what the hardest part was..

The hardest part wasn’t losing you,it was learning to live with out you…

Episode 25

Funeral And The Pain

“I’m sorry but we couldn’t save him.”

That’s all I heard the doctors saying I slid down the wall with tears streaking down my cheeks like a fountain of water.It was only this morning that we were teasing each other in my room and then Zee told us what’s troubling her and just before he got in the car he kissed my cheek and tolde I love you.He even told me when he comes back again we going to have the wedding but there is no need for a wedding because he is no more with us.

I never saw it coming,it was something that just hit me,just like that before I knew it.It came to me,tapped my shoulder and boom.There it was,there in all its glory.It greeted me with such a cold shoulder,left shivers down my spine.I never felt such a harsh breeze in my life as it slowly crept in to my mind,I could hear it’s footsteps,I could feel it’s strength weighing my heart down.I smiled for a minute,just as I realized who it was and why it had come to me.I sighed and welcomed it in to my life,it came for a reason.It wasn’t a human being,it was an emotion and his name was pain

Just then I looked around the waiting room and I saw Mikes parents and siblings devastated and crying profusely and I think this is the first time I’ve seen Uncle Nazir cry.Mike was his golden boy and he was very proud of him.Mike was spoilt by his father a lot but he didn’t take advantage of it,he wasn’t those bratty spoiled guys and nor was he arrogant and I guess thats what made him for who he was.The money he used to spent it on the poor men and women and children.He would feed the women and children and gave the men jobs so they could earn and look after their family.Those that stayed on the street he helped them look for houses.He would visit the orphanages and the old age homes and cry saying”that how can children put there parents in such a home where they can feel no warmth and love or those children have no parents to look up to.”He had a very big heart,that’s why I loved him.I didn’t love him because he was rich,handsome,his career was booming or how his body looked that was all part of him but why I fell in love with him was because of all the little things he did or his qualities that made him what he was today.I cannot believe it,he is still alive I know it but I also knew I was in denial too.This morning he was so happy and told me I want like 8 children and I looked at him and said 8.I just wish I could do something to bring him back.Maybe if I didn’t let him go he would be alive at this moment but I can’t go back and I can’t do it and that’s what I regret.My love story is an incomplete one,I envy the one whose love story is complete.

His parents went to sign the papers to release him from hospital and I think mum went to phone Bilaal and Nazir and everyone.I hated times like these people always look at you with pity and whisper behind your backs about how she won’t get married now etc they think we don’t know they talking about us but we know.After that dad drove us home and they were taking Mike to perform ghusl,when we reached home I raced up the stairs to my room and opened my closet and took out the only cloak I owned.I never wore cloak, I didn’t wear scarf nor did I do anything Islamic.I went in to the shower,dressed put on a scarf and a pump.I went downstairs and I saw the change in my family,we looked on the outside as a pious islamicly inclined Muslim but we were not.Maybe that’s why Mike died.We left the house and went to Mikes SA house.We entered and went to sit in the lounge where the body is going to be.I picked up a Yaseen and started reading it,its been along time since I read it,the last was when I was in madrassa.After few minutes they brought the body and placed it down.Mikes head was next to me and his Aunty opened his face and a fresh set of tears rolled down my cheeks.He looks so peaceful,so handsome and the scars of the accident marred his face.They only took his body at about 10 p.m because his family is scattered every where and they were waiting for Nazir and Nazira.His face was still open I looked at him and remembered the times he had this glint in his eyes when he was thinking of doing something mischevious or the time when he smirked,winked and flirted with me,or his laugh it was contagious or the half smile or the sneaking up on me thing.Everything about him was unique,I looked at his facw memorising it and just then the men came in to pick up his body and take it.And I saw him for the last time,he was just there.I didn’t ever think this would be the last time I ever see his face,or hear his voice for the final time.He was just like me yesterday and one day I will become just like him.He layer there looking ever so peaceful,Death got to him and I don’t know why I was shocked,because death will greet me,and it will greet you too.That’s the only things that’s promised in this life,and damn this was the biggest reminder of all

After the men left all the Aunties old and young came to greet me and everyone in his family.They all told me the pain will pass quickly and I’ll get someone else.They don’t know the pain I’m going through,the way I feel because he was my first and last love and my first in my everything.All those Aunties looked at me with pity in there eyes.I could not take it so I escaped to the one bedroom that smelt like him.I entered his room and layer on his bed with my nose buried in his pillow and cried and cried and cried,my tears seeping in to his pillow.Why did he leave me?did he not care?did he not love me?just then the door opened and I felt someone rub my  back till I calmed down and when I turn to look who it was,it was my madrassa APA when I was in madz still, Apa Rubina Saloojee.

Suni:Slmz apa …its been a long time since I’ve seen you!!

Apa:Jee it is Sunaina,you don’t even come visit me anymore.I still remember how you and Owais use to play pranks on the other..The good times!!Now tell me what’s troubling you?(wiping my tears)

Suni:Why me of all people?When I close my eyes all I see is him?when I think of him all that I think of him are now memories!My mind is like a torture chamber,asking me all these stupid questions like why me?did he not love me?did he not care?

Apa:There will be a day when y wake up and you will free yourself from the shackles which are attached to your heart.You will finally breath again,not for the one you love but for yourself.You will survive this turture chamber in your mind,you will live again.There will be a day where you will no longer drown in your own thoughts,there will be a day where you will no longer be scared of the dark every night and the monsters that greet you every night,will be the same monsters who will die every night. You will live again,this time with the one who created you,not his creation.(she smiles and stands up)now wipe your tears and come downstairs.

With that she left.I thought of what she said and maybe she’s right maybe this pain would leave eventually.I stood up and left the room but it took me awhile to understand,to understand what pain actually was,everyone said pain is inflicted when you’ve hurt yourself,physically. But confusion arose from my heart,I felt a pain I had never felt before.Some called it heart burn and some called it heart break,it wasn’t a physical pain as such. But it was unbearable,it was the pain of losing the one I love,it was such a pain that still allowed me to walk,talk and eat sometimes.But it was a pain that was constantly there.It wasn’t skinned knees and bruises anymore,it was pain that I felt right in my heart,right in the core.It was pain I had never experienced before.

As I went into the kitchen I saw Nani standing there and when she saw me,she rushed towards me and hugged me and started crying in which it made me cry

Suni:Nani we were so happy,we didn’t know this was going to happen!(crying profusely)

Nani:I know Suni your mother told me but stay strong for yourself,stay strong for the one who created you,because Allah will never burden a soul beyond it can bear

Just then I heard footsteps behind me,I turned around and saw Nana standing there,I hugged him and started sobbing a lot

Nana:Nani is right you know,and when you think your entire world is falling apart and you have nobody,remember Allah is with you,even when the entire world has left you.The one who created you will always be there,even if you walk away from the one who created you,he will never walk away from you.He will always be waiting for you to walk on that path back to him(he wipes my tears and kisses my for head and leaves)

We stay there till 1 and then leave for home,the pain had numbed me I don’t feel anything.When we reach home I rush out so I can go into my room but am stopped by Nadir

Suni:What do you want?(eyebrow raised)

Nazir:There will come a day where you will laugh over the things you once cried over and when that day comes,you will beable to breathe again.The pain you feel,will disappear and all that will reappear is tears of happiness(smile)

Bilaal:Thats true Suni,Mika’eel would not want you to grieve like this,he would want you to move on,you know that

Suni:You already moved on,you calling him Mika’eel instead of Mike (I hiss)you can move on because you weren’t in love with him.He was my fiance and the love of my life(I scream)

Everyone just looks at me as I vent out my anger on Bilaal.I quickly rush to my room brush my teeth,change into my PJs and climb into bed and when I can’t sleep I take out my diary and write

Dear Diary

People change,not because they want to.But because they have destroyed them self’s so much that they have no choice but to change.They have no option but to recreate themselfs as somebody they never wanted to become.They changed because there experiences forced them to,it isn’t a pretty change,nor is it a change that they welcomed.Its a bitter change called reality,only for them to learn that some experiences will turn you in to the monster you’ve become today

I miss you Mike

Till tomorrow

I put my diary on the table next to me and went to sleep with one thought in my head and that is remembering you is easy,I do it everyday.But missing you is a heartache that never goes away

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P.S In the above post it says she was sitting in the room the mayyit was in but that is  not correct because if its a na mahram male you cannot sit in the room.But as she was modern she did it.

Tell me what you think of the above post

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Episode 24

Zakiyyah And Hospitals

Bilaal’s P.O.V

After we had left the park Zee decided to take me to the hospital with her to see Zakiyyah,I think I will be the first one but I’m lucky to be seeing her first.She’s like my baby sis..I love her.

Sometimes when I see Zee its like I’m watching a movie because when the cameras start rolling the person goes into character,In the same way when Zee meets or comes to face with people she goes into character.Its like its programmed in her mind like ok now I have to smile or be nice or not cry.Zee is more hurt emotionally more than we know.We all have scars.Some of them are shown outside but some are hidden inside,the deep ones.Those are the ones to heal but it may heal but the scar will remain forever.In every relation she’s going to have she is going to doubt herself.She’s already doing it,I wish sometimes I could take her pain away,like Mike and Suni they both took each persons pain away.

Zee reached garden city and I looked at the place that Zakiyyahs in and I want to cry badly.Zee parks the car and we get out and Zee walks ahead like she’s been coming for years here but in reality she is.She had no one to share this burden with and she thought she could carry this burden on her shoulders like her own dirty secret.I know Zee she didn’t tell us coz she thought we would be disgusted but no we know what’s cancer. When I was 9 and Suni 4 we had been blessed with a baby boy,we all were excited for the new arrival but when he reached three years his nose use to just bleed and when they did blood tests we found out he had cancer in his brain. My parents were devasted we didn’t think this would have happened but after a month he passed away,saddest day to the Patel family especially my parents.

Zee greeted the nurses and made chit chat with them for a while then we went to Zakiyyahs room.Zee opened the door slowly in case Kiyyah was sleeping but that was not the case she was watching tv.When she spotted us she was excited I felt like crying.so I went to her

Bilaal:Hey Kiyyah how’s my princess doing?(soft voice)

Zakiyyah:Am I still your princess?(looking at me with her big eyes)I can’t be your princess because I don’t look beautiful but like an old rag(tears glistening)

Bilaal:I don’t care how you look to me you will always be my beautiful princess(I hug her )By the way why is your sister standing there?should I bring her over?(winking)

Zakiyyah:I don’t know why she’s standing there but since Masud broke her heart she’s action like this I wish I could do something but Im stuck in this stupid hospital bed.I wish she could move on I know she knows who I’m speaking about(she turns to Zee)The past will always stay with you but don’t ever let it take away your happiness.(turns back to me).You know something bilz she felt like a hypocrite,telling people to stay strong,knowing that she was the weakest person alive.Zee should first take her own advise instead of preaching it to others,maybe she would have healed now..I miss the Zee I use to know,but maybe that was who she was and this is who she is now and there is no reason for me to wish for something that’s non existent right?

Kiyyah was being worked up so the nurse told us to wait in the waiting room till they settle her.I was worried for her very worried so I turned to Zee

Bilaal:Zee this is not your fault,whatever is happening its happening but you don’t have to make me believe you fine because you not.You heard what Kiyyah said she misses the old you we all do,trust me we do but we also understand that you want to get over your heart break but at least when you come visit Kiyyah put on a real smile,show her that you still you that you never changed.Pain changes people but sometimes our own pain teaches us something.This maybe your chance.Don’t be what I want you to be like or whoever else just be yourself!! (Pulling her into my arms)

Zee:Its nice for you to tell me or rather preach to me these things when you don’t know what I go through.Sometimes we paint on a smile just so we not questioned.

Bilaal:When you on top of the world,do yourself a favour and just enjoy the view,instead of looking for ways not to fall.

Zee:I would have done that if I could but I can’t.I have the world on my shoulders,a sister in hospital and a broken heart.Every time I’m on top of the world I always fall,so why not wait for it.My broken heart I wish that I could go in the past and fix what I did wrong!!!(looking down)

Bilaal:Never run back to what broke you.Remember this,no matter how much you think going back will make you whole again,no matter how hard it is and the courage it takes,do not look back on your past,you can’t rewrite the ending.Courage doesn’t always roar.Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow

Just then a patient that’s sitting there comes over

Patient:Hi I’m Palesa,nice to meet you’ll but sorry for eavesdropping.I’m a patient in this hospital,I have AIDS.I was always so confident in life,I never got sick was proud of it and just like that my health was taken away from me.So my advise to you is be happy for no reason,like a child.If you are happy for a reason,you’re in trouble because that reason can be taken away from you ..like is was for me

Zee:I want to be happy.But I don’t know how to anymore(tears rolling down her cheeks)

Bilaal:(i wipe her tears)Marry someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life!!(smile)

Zee:(laughs)Yip that person will be you.(wink)But on a serious note I never want my daughter’s to lay in bed and cry her eyes out like I did,and I never want to see my sons become the boys I dated.I’ve always been afraid of losing people I love.Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there afraid to lose me!!

Bilaal:there is someone(she looks up quickly)that person is me I’m afraid that I’ll lose you.(she hugs me)I hope one day you won’t leave me!!

Sad people always try and make other people happy because they know how terrible it is to feel worthless..Just then my cell rings when I check the called I’d its mum.I picked up the phone

Bilaal:Hey mom.

Mum:Where you Bilaal!?(I can hear she’s going to break down any moment)

Bilaal:Chill mom I’m at garden city hospital with Zee to see Zakiyyah

Mum:You need to get back here as soon as possible your sister is going to need you!!(crying)

Bilaal:Ok mom..will leave now..But what happened to Suni?

Mum:Nothing happened to her.But its Mike he was leaving today for NY and on the way he met in a accident..it was a hit and run…and(crying hysterically)

Bilaal:And?

Mum:He didn’t make it.Mike is dead…

Sorry!!

Sorry I’ve had a hectic week and today too so inshallah I will post tomorrow!!

Xox

Safiyyah

Special Post

SUNI’S P.O.V

Its amazing how I’ve been friends with Zee for years but not a single time had I thought she’s poor or that her sister is in hospital fighting cancer.It doesnt matter if shes not rich,richness isnt something i look for when i befriend someone,When i look at them i know there hearts are pure and rich and Zee is exactly that.

Let me tell you somethings of Zee.She is the kind of girl who is always smiling and loves to laugh.If you are falling down,she will be right there to pick you up.She is the one that always says sorry,even if its not her fault.Even if she is feeling like the scum of the earth,she will never let you know.This is the girl who is afraid of love,because she has alreadylost so much.

Thats one of the reasons when i had read Bilaal’s Diary i felt sorry or hurt for him.Zee might have feelings for him,i know that,she knows that,mum and dad knows that,Mike knows that,Fati and Yasi too…mostly everyone beside him.Which makes him blind,because i see the side long glances and i know she wants to tell him but is afraid.I think this is the first time i realize that its not a one sided thing because they both love each other and i dont mind having Zee as my sister in law,she would fit right in because shes already part of my family.Mum always said that Zee is my Daughter also maybe not blood but being blood doesnt only mean family you can find family in other places too..When your best friend is grieving.Its hard to not be heartbroken.Seeing her sad upsets me.I just want her to be happy.Its amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces.

And let’s not forget about Zakiyyah.I remember when she was born,how i refused to let her go..Shes my baby sister.When Zee told us what Masud told her at the hospital,i felt hatred for him.Their laughter will make your heart melt.Their strenghth will make a grown person cry.If you ever see a child fighting cancer,it will change your life forever.

As you grow up you will have your heartbroken more than once and its harder everytime.You’ll break hearts too,so remember how it felt when yours was broken.You’ll fight with your best friend.You’ll cry because time is passing too fast,And you will eventually lose someone you love.So take to many pictures,laugh to much and love like you’ve never been hurt.Because every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you will never get back.

I remember once Mike had told me after we reconciled and i told him a lot of my Problems that

I can’t promise to solve all problems but I can promise you won’t have to face them alone

How sweet of him.I guess his just like that.I’m going to miss him because this weekend his leaving for NY.Every good thing comes to an end And his vacation or as we say holiday is completed..Hope we were already married..I guess I have to wait for quite sometime.

So like Nani always said “if something is meant for you it will never miss you,and if its not meant for you it won’t come to you.”

Episode 23

DOES PAIN CHANGE PEOPLE?IS THERE A DIFFRENCE BETWEEN THE RICH AND THE POOR?

Sometimes we go through life like we blessed with everything.The looks,the body,the wealth,the popularity,the attention which is 24/7.We all went through that phase,that was all we cared about,myself included.Aah i forgot about the players,i didnt actually fall in that catergory because i knew girls have feelings and to hurt them would b to destroy them.I had friends who use to two time a girl,many girls found out and were heartbroken,just like Zee.I had o ly two serious girlfriends but sadly we didnt work out and then i kept to my self mostly,mostly work,being a lawyer is tiring.After a long time i started seeing Zee as more than a friend,i knew i wanted to marry her and still do.But Zee was not blessed in the wealth,popularity and the attention.Zee was eitha Suni’s shadow or mines,You might be wondering why because shes from a rich family like us,no thats not it.Although i would like to say why that is,i cannot for that is Zee’s story to tell.

I’ve been waiting for Zee for 1 hour now and she is still not here,wonder whats taking her so long.Just then my door bursts open and Suni is standing there with a smirk.

Suni:Hey Bilaal,how’s my favourite brother?(sneakily getting closer)

Bilaal:Suni I know that face well,but I ok …..is Zee here yet?

Suni:Good to know that you know me well or rather my face(rolls her eyes)..By the way I like your Diary and yip Zee’s downstairs…

My eyes widen when i see my diary in her hands,how the hell did she get it.I narrow my eyes at her,she giggles and opens it and decides to reads what i had written loudly

Dear Diary

I love Zee and I can’t tell her that because she’s with Masud.

When ever we together she only ever talks of him,

The way her eyes light up when she tells me about the things he did for her,

Or the way her face is practically glowing.

Im happy for her very happy,But why doesn’t she see

That I love her also.

I LOVE HER!!!

Suni looks at me with shock and I refuse to look at her.She might have read the first entry imagine what will she think about the others.She gives me back the book and gives me a smile and walks out.I compose my self and get ready to go downstairs.When i go downsatairs everyones sitting in the lounge..Yunus and Aaliya,Mum and Dad,Suni and Mike and i guess myself and Zee.When i enter they all look at me

Yunus:Hey bro glad you could join us instead of hibernating in your room!!(smirk)

Bilaal:I wasn’t hibernating as you put it,I was busy with my case for Monday(rolls eyes)

Mum:Bilaal you always working,relax abit I’m sure everything will work out,…

Everyone just carried the conversation like that when Zee burst out crying and said she wants to tell us something

Zee:I need to tell you’ll something..I know that you’ll know that I have a sister,Zakiyyah.I love her with all my might.She was the light to my darkness,the sun to my sky,the stars to my world…She was my support,my biggest support(starts to sob).Wemaybe years apart but it never felt that way,she had wisdom beyond her years,she was more mature than alot of people her age but most of all she was my baby sis…When she turned 12 her nose started bleeding,we all thought at first maybe just maybe it was nose bleed becauseof the heat.Everyday her nose use to bleed and it was alot.One day i decided on my own thag im taking her to a doctor i coudnt see her this way it hurt,it always hurt.Lucky i took her to the doctor and it turned out she had a cancerous tumour in her head.(everyone gasps)It cost a lot to have the tumor removed because it was only in its first stage,I worked day and night to pay for the operation.My parents didn’t even want to do it,they said it was a waste of time and she was still going to die anyway.But i didmt lose hope i gave it my all and payed for that operation.It was a success but the bad news was she went into a coma.For two years i visited her continuasly with hope that she would wake up and everyday i lost abit of hope.And the thing that was not helping my situation was my parents,they were always around the corner wherever I went,that instead of paying for the op I should have bought a better house,gave them a better place to live.The thing is I work 24/7 but the wages I get is not mine,I have to give it to my parents for the house or groceries or whatever they need but not what we need.My dad sits at home in front of the T.V like a couch patatoe and doesn’t do a thing,he doesn’t even have a job and my mum she sits in her room the entire day not even bothering to prepare a pot of food,tired and exhausted I return home to cook a pot of food.The only normal.thing I had was Masud but that too ended because he cheated on me.Its been a few weeks since Zakiyyah had woken up from the coma,but docters said that she had cancer in her legs and its not before long that it will spread up wards.The day i took Masud there was one of the worst things ever.I dont know why these things happen but i only knows it happens to me,only me(in a whisper)

As everybody absorbed the news Fati,Yasi,Zaahid and Moe.Saad arrived..Zee took a breath and started again

i want to be someone else totally,everyday i try but its so damn hard,i mean i know why Masud cheated on me im noone special,im me the ugly girl.i tried changing for alot of people but it didnt work(she turns to me)When i say im ugly its because i am .Not because i want you to lie to me and tell me im not

Mike:You know Zee the hardest battle you will ever have to fight is between who you are NOW and who you WANT to be..

Bilaal:Zee you are so used to your features,You dont know how beautiful you look to a stranger.Every morning we get a chance to be diffrent.A chance to change.A chance to be better.Your past is your past.Leave it there,get on with the future part

Fati:change for yourself Zee not for someone

Zee:I think what hurts the most is when you give all to someone..through thick and thin,you there for them.You stick with them,no matter what.Then one day they just give up .They wont even fight for you.The one thing you would never have done,they did with no hesitation.I just have to do what others want and i cant ever say no..

Suni:It wasn’t you,its not your fault.Maybe your heart was to large for there hands.Maybe you’re love was to deep for there comprehension,maybe everything you are is everything they don’t deserve..

Bilaal:Stop thinking what I want,what he wants,what your parents want.What do you want?You know what no matter what,once in your life,someone will hurt you.That someone will take all that you are and rip it in to pieces and they won’t even watch where the pieces land.But through the break down, Youll learn something about yourself.You’ll learn that your strong.And no matter how hard they destroy you,that you can conquer anyone..

Yasi:One day someone will walk in to your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else

And as she said that everyone turned to wards me and winked,okthats weird

Zee:You know what sucks about falling for a guy you know you not right for?You fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be diffrent..

Mum:You know Ahmed pain changes people(looking at dad)

Aaliya:Thats right mom!!But you know Yunus..Hangman is great.It teaches you that by saying the wrong things you could end someones life

Zee:I don’t fit in with everybody else,You know something when people put you down enough,you start to believe it

Bilaal:Pretending to be happy when your in pain is just an e.g of how strong you are as a person

Zaahid:On the inside she was being broken my her own insecurities

Zee:Thanks everybody I’m so overwhelmed,you like the family I always wanted.I will be right back,I’m going for a walk

She stands up and go so I stand up and follow her.We walk silently enjoying nature when i see Masud in the distance,i try to turn Zee away but she walks towards him and smiles his shocked..Well i am too

Zee:You know what Masud i would never regret you or say that i wish i’d never met you,because once upon a time,you were exactly what i needed

And with that Zee walked away leaving a shocked Masud inthe distance.That is the first step towards repairing her broken heart….

Episode 22

My Bundle Of Joy!!!

Rehana’s P.O.V

Since I was 18 my life hasnt been the same,i think to myself sometimes that i matured long enough than anymore other 18 year old.Its sad how i didnt get to enjoy things my friends did nor could i complete my studies.He snatched everything away from me and didnt feel guilty about it,he was actually quite estatic to snatch it away,i remember his face when he told me that i had to stop my studies.

Now im back to the present and that is three years after everything happened.I am still married to Aziz.The abuse was there,it is always there.He doesn’t control himself when he see’s me,But the thing that hurts me the most is that I’m not the only one suffering.Three months after Layla had gotten married to him he slapped her,no valid reason just that their was little to no salt in the food,the truth is the food tasted hellava lekker,everything was just right.He needed an excuse and found one.He refuses for Layla to leave the house and as i qoute he always said “We dont need a second Rehana”.Nine months later Layla hadd given birth to a baby girl,sweet and innocent,they named her Fatima Zahra Adam.That was not the only thing i had gotten pregnant to the exact time Layla did and Nine months later games birth to a baby boy,i didnt wait for Aziz he wasnt there when i gave birth.Taahir was with me so Taahir and i named the baby Zaeem Adam.

I still remember after Zaeem was born I had written a letter to him in case I might not live.It read:

“It was that day you were born,The day I first laid eyes on you,My throat constricted with emotions.My world was suddenly brand new,I felt blessed and happy and ecstatic.All appeared afresh like drops of dew.That magical moment and since then I have always loved and cherished you.Know that whatever life throws at you any hurdles or test,Keep your head up and carry on.Dont let any body ever try to bring you down and when you cant go on,Sit on the musallah and make dua to Allah for he will hear you,even as you age cry only to him.Dont ever think that as a man i cannot cry,he will not judge you.Never forget remeber Allah always and you will be successful in your life and whatever you achieve.Remember that i love you alot and want the best for you and if something happens to me,you should then confide in Taahir.

With Love

Mum

I had given it to Taahir that if at anytime Aziz decided to kill me Taahir would take Zaeem from this house.Just then my door opens and Layla walks in with tears in her eyes,i look at her with concern then i look to wards the cot where Zaeem was sleeping

Rehana:Whats wrong Layla?you don’t ever cry but this is not you so what happened?

Layla:(sobbing)Why Rehana?Why me?I though he loved me just as I had loved him.He doesn’t allow me to step outside of this wall in fear of me running away from him i wont beable to even if i have to,I didnt see my parents in three years nor spoke to them and my friends and siblings i cant even hang out with them.Then he still has the nerve to hit me physically and emotinally!!You are always right Rehana that Aziz is a selfish insensitive jerk and only thinks of himself!!

Rehana:(sighing)People make mistakes Layla,Even the people that we love.I may not Love Aziz but you still do.You forgive him every time he apologizes..

Layla:(wiping her tears)I still love him and I know you trying to help me but its fine but promise me one thing if something happens to me then please take Fatima Zahra away from here,away from him.You can raise her as your own and Taahirs!!

Rehana:(I pull Layla into my arms and hug her)I promise you that I will take Faatima Zahra away from here

Layla thanks me and goes back to her room crying profusely still.All those years back this is exactly what i had feared that Layla should not become a shadow of her self but these days thats exactly what she is.She has these looks in her eyes that admit defeat,the bruises and marks to know the cause of defeat and the bags under her eyes.She wears pjs the entire day,crys when something is not going her way and doesnt even talk..The only light i see in her eyes is when she looks at Fatima Zahra and Zaeem.The doorbell rings and i go answer it.I see its Azraa looking very stressed out so i take her to my room and asked her whats wrong

Azraa:i just wanted to see you,I missed you.Its a long time since we saw each other but you still not yourself.I know you better than your self.That smile is fake it doesn’t reach your eyes and that laugh is also fake.

Rehana:(Looking away)I don’t know what you talking about…I’m all smiles and laugh toodles..(laughing)

And even to my own ears it sound so fake

Azraa:Smiling doesn’t always mean you happy.Sometimes it simply means that you are a strong person

I burst out crying because its been a long time and I just decided to bottle everything inside of me

Rehana:You think you know people and then they surprise you!!that’s what makes me feel like I’m a failure(sobbing)

Azraa:No Rehana ..you know something there’s these two guys that like me one is the better guy and the other one makes me want to be a better person!?so what should I do?

Rehana:Dont choose the better guy,Choose the guy that’s going to make you a better person

Azraa:Exactly choose the guy that’s going to make you a better person and that’s Taahir for you,after so many years and he still only wants you and I can see the same for you.It was never Aziz for you was it?

Rehana:I cannot find the words to explain how I feel,no matter how hard i try.And i think thats the part that hurts the most.I dont even know anymore

Just then Zaeem woke up and was playing around when my door opened and Taahir walked in.Azraa left to go look for Layla and Taahir walked to pick up Zaeem.I knew he heard me saying that last part

Taahir:If two people are meant to be togather eventually they will find their way back…no matter how long it takes,i’ll wait for you..

Rehana:Why don’t you just give up?maybe I die while I’m here

Taahir:You don’t give up on the people you love Ray..and stop talking like you going to die

Rehana:So their is nobody else than?

Taahir:There is nobody else for me. And I don’t want anybody else.By the way Ray Jealousy doesnt suit you (i blush as he winked at me)and you and Zaeem is my family (he kissed Zaeem on his cheek).I want to tell you Ray we are all here for a special reason.Stop being a prisoner of your past.Become the architect of your future and Eleanor Roosevelt once said that “Do one thing everyday that scares you.”

And that everyone is Taahir Adam who has wisdom beyond his years…

I just wanted to say that every story has an end,but in life,every ending is just the beggining…